Bah Humbug!

Today was a real kick in the teeth.

I saw a doll,and it reminded me of the toys I always played with as a child... it was Barbies & dolls all the way (always playing as though it was a family or I was the Mother).

My favorite doll,  William, came everyhwere my Mother would let me bring him. I even went so far one year to beg Mom, "please create a Halloween costume for Will and me!". I was a Native American (yes that is what I told people - I was a politically correct 6 year old. lol) and I carried William in a papoose bag.
I had other dolls too, and I played with their hair and changed their diapers.
Obsessed with being a Mommy was what I was.Still am, I guess.

Yet here I am, overwhelmed and feeling defeated by a nightmare I cannot escape.
After all I always dreamed that I would get married, and start a family right away. I would feel my belly swell with child and the sounds of children laughing and feet pitter-pattering would fill my days. Nobody ever talked about infertility or misscarriages. I thought everybody could have children at their whim. When I met people who didn't have children, I just assumed they didn't like them. Heck I probably even treated them how I get treated now, ostracised.

So this year I can't even bear to put up a Christmas tree or even stockings.
It is all those advertisements about the joys of family and seeing toys everywhere that remind me of what Christmas is to us this year.

• It is another year barren.
• It is a year filled with dissappointments and confirmation that this will always be our life, until we can afford to adopt...if we ever can.

So if I don't send you a Christmas Card or call to wish you a Merry Christmas, please don't be offended. I am trying my best just to get out of bed and have good hygiene this Holiday, and not to burst out in tears at the sights and sounds of every painful reminder. I am merely existing.

So be glad I didn't send you a card, cause it just might have read Bah Humbug! lol

Where Is The Escape????

Lately I have been an emotional cutter. I watch movies about pregnancy or small children, like Babies or I just glaze over while watching TV, and think about all my children which my heart longs for.

Tonight the realization hit me.... no wonder why I am like this lately! No longer is there a day that doesn't remind me of a lost child or their birthdays or the loss of somebody else dear to me. I cannot escape the grief we have endured these past two years. Here I thought that I was doing so well, and behold I was only bottling it in to try and "get by" (if you can call it that). Basically other people cannot handle another oness grief, and so when I am suffering I have to slap a happy face on and pretend for them that I am not hurting. Good for them, but detrimental to me. When I have asked people why they were saying the things they would to me, I was told it is because they cannot stand to see me hurting so they try to "fix" it. Here is my take on that, grief isn't about you. You cannot "fix" it, grief is not a problem, it is a process. The best thing you can do is be silent, hug me, and just let me weep. Don't tell me about this person your friend knew, who experienced the same "thing" and knows how I feel. Honestly it is not helpful, but it is hurtful!

Now this week I struggle just to breath, forget function. So I have decided two things:
1. I am not going to wear a mask all the time when I am hurting. I am hurting, so people will have to live with it. Grief is a realty that society needs to learn to accept, and embrace as a process to get through a dark valley; where the person grieving learns to process their struggles and to live their life again, without the ones they love.
2. I am going to seek out people who really are better able to understand my grief, so as to have the opportunity to unburden my heart and to adjust to my life as it will be from now on.

When I spoke to a friend about this today, she pointed me in the right direction. I will let you know how the counseling goes, once everything is set up and I have been able to attend a couple sessions. I am hopeful this will help me heal a little. Or in the very least, to function.

BARREN

1. not reproducing: as

• a : incapable of producing offspring
• b : not yet or not recently pregnant
• c : habitually failing to fruit

2. not productive: as

• a : producing little or no vegetation : desolate <barren deserts>
• b : producing inferior crops <barren soil>
• c : unproductive of results or gain : fruitless barren

scheme>

3. devoid: , lacking —used with of <barren of excitement>

4. lacking interest or charm barren

routine>

5. lacking inspiration or ideas barren

mind>

It is amazing how perfectly this word describes everything I am right now; empty or void; in the womb, mind and soul. It is so hard to focus on even the most menial task, while I am still incapable of carrying a child. There is no pitter-patter, play dates or milestones to distract me...I just exist here, numb, to my core.

By the minute I dream about all my babies up in heaven, and I ask God to watch over them. I ask Him to whisper how much their Mommy loves them. How long will it be until I too can whisper in their ears? How long do I suffer this agony of being here physically, while my heart is somewhere distant, unreachable?

One cannot fathom the agony I endure, I truly walk this with God alone.

Not to say people cannot identify or share a similar story. It is just to say that no one person understands perfectly ones journey. It truly minimizes it, and without even having walked in their shoes.

No two people will have ever shared the exact journey. We all are unique and so is our walk.

So it is hard these days for me to understand being barren. God does not answer me, and although people mean well when they say they know, they don't. No one can offer me comfort, joy or healing. Nobody can foretell if God will provide me a miracle of immeasurable joy, swaddled in my arms. Although, in some odd way knowing I am not the only one to loose a child is comforting; to hear a person say they know how I feel, what I am going through or that they "know someone" with a similar story and they had a child... so all is fine, is not.

Each day all I can do is pray.

For Peace

Comfort

Wisdom

Patience

& Understanding.

For I do not know my days on this Earth and so far God is saying let go. I feel as though He has been trying to prepare me for being Barren since childhood, and I have been wrestling with it this long.

I'm tired.

I have many children waiting for me up in Heaven. If I cannot have children on Earth, then why am I here? What is Gods plan for me, when all I have desired is a child of my own?

I feel condemned. Heart trampled on the ground. Empty.

A Rose by Any Other Name...

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" is a commonly quoted part of a dialogue in William Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet, in which Juliet argues that the names of things do not matter, only what things are.

Borrowed from: http://dryicons.com/free-graphics/preview/rose-red/

Lately I have seen or heard women calling themselves the B* word. Broke my heart, until I realized they were actually proud to call themselves that!

Have they forgotten the definition? Do they not respect themselves? Do they consider it a badge of honor?

What is it with this current generation? I definitely feel like I grew up in an entirely different one! When I was young, the only women that called themselves that, were the type who matched the definition. It was equivalent for them, to a man strutting his stuff so as to say, "watch out!"

Now it has become some modern slang for every woman to say, "watch out!" and they laugh about it as though it is something to be proud of. Does one really want to be labelled that?

In case you haven't read the definition, this is what it says:

• bitch[bich] noun  

  1. a female dog: The bitch won first place in the sporting dogs category. 

  2. a female of canines generally. 

  3. Slang ...

  a. a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, especially a woman. 

  b. a lewd woman. 

  c. Disparaging and Offensive . any woman. 

  4. Slang . a person who performs demeaning tasks for another; servant: Tom is so her bitch; she just ordered him to go fetch her some pizza—and he went without a word. 

  5. Slang . a convict who is in a homosexual relationship and/or dominant relationship willingly or unwillingly in the prison setting: The new inmate was immediately forced to be the bitch of the prison's top dog.

    

  Maybe Juliet didn't put much stock in a name, but I can tell you that there are people who still do. If your a B*, then by all means. If not, find another name...if you have a bad side,maybe call yourself a rose. It does still have thorns after all!

Walking Dead & I Have Something In Common...

Picture courtesy of The Walking Dead - HBO (this picture is not my own and is not being represented as such. It is property of the Walking Dead TV series and is only being borrowed for this post)

 

Some days I feel like the lady on the right....

Emotionless

Without a purpose

Devoid of true function

I can't 

Think

Speak

Eat

or Sleep

I just feel...Dead

An empty shell of my former self.

Sometimes I don't even know where I am, How I got there or Where I am going.

 I just shuffle through life.

I pray that my whole life won't be like this. That there will be days of pure joy again. That we won't have to suffer anymore loss, and can finally have peace about the past 2 years.

I don't want to be that dead woman, while everyone else is all smiles.

I want to be alive again!

I want peace and closure.

I want answers.

I want...

I choose..

Peace

Life

Joy

I

will

dwell

in the Lord

Blossom With Time

I used to be of the opinion that what other people think matters, and I wanted to please everyone. I actually was under the illusion that it was completely possible and that we should try to please everyone.

Since my Utopian bubble burst this year (and I finally have seen the light), this has durastically changed.

Although I still do believe that we should work on showing others respect, love and dignity...I have finally learned that it isn't for everyone.

Some people will see your good intentions the wrong way, they will be dishonest, they will try to ruin you. There just simply, are people, not worth your time. They will never truly be happy, they are jealous of everyone and manipulitive.

How can you please the people who do not see you for who you really are or for the things you do?
You cannot. 

Self absordbed people only see what they want to see, and not what really truly is. Unfortunatly, the world is full of people like this.

When the illusion crumbled around us, we realized where all the work was coming from in our relationships.
The ones doing the phoning, and inviting over was us. Very rarely did we receive phone calls to hang out or just chat. Now we have allowed the one sided relationships to just dissipate.
We realize that anything worth fighting for, requires effort...on BOTH sides.

So we aren't fighting anymore for the relationships that don't have merit, and are not viewed with value from the other side.

We are who we are, and we have our own imperfections (just as everyone does). If you don't love us at our worst (or going through our worst), if you can't respect us for who we are, that we have lots to grow and learn ( we haven't exactly learned how to perfectly navigate the worlds social structure and we won't be fake to gain acceptance)...then you sure as hell do not deserve us at our best.

It feels like a giant weight has been lifted.

I know that I am growing as a person. I know that one day I will be who I was meant to be whole and complete. I also know what has been said about the work being done to finish me, and it will not be completed for a long time.
The first work done in me was according to this:
"He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm."
                                                                                                               ~Proverbs 13:20

I will not subject myself and my family to pain any longer. We are surrounding ourselves with the wise and letting go of all the unecessary pain.

Death...

I hate you!


Enough said.

The Sky is Falling, The Sky is Falling!

Through this experience I have met some people as shallow as a petrie dish. People who think that the sky is falling, when their sky is blue; with just a little clouds. They don't really listen to what you're trying to say, they try to say it for you. They're more important then you in every way, especially the events in their life. They seem unaware of what you are saying...it is all about them.

I am tired of the woe is me, I can't afford to buy anything. Woe is me, my house is too small; my job sucks; I didn't get Concert Tickets... Woe is me, but I did it to myself and continue to do it to myself. Enough!
Who needs to hear that crap on an average day, let alone the day they get bad news. Someone who is continually experiencing self-inflicted trauma in their life, and then dumping it on people experiencing real trauma is sick. It is too much!

At least through it all, I am learning some valuable things..

1. The current generation is narcacistic. They don't care about you. They're all "me, me, ME!". The one who really cares and will always listen is God, and He does care...He will always be there for you (even when you can't feel Him).
2. When you feel as though you cannot go on, and that God has abandoned you...you will not see that He is carrying you through, until the time He knows you are able to stand on your own again. Until that time, you will be angry at Him, maybe even hate Him and He will take all of it and love you despite it.
3. No matter what people say, think, feel or "believe", perception is NOT fact. There is no point worrying, crying, fighting, seeking vengeance or being depressed over these things. People will continue to lie or believe what they want; you cannot change a mind that is made up or a persons will. Just rest assured that the Lord does know, there is only one truth and in the end God asks us to live upright, not defend ourselves. So seek Gods will, live rightousley and if you do wrong correct it; just don't fret over what others say or do. In the end, you come before Him for judgement and you will not be judged by other peoples actions, only your own.          "I thought in my heart, "God will bring to judgment both the righteous and the wicked, for there will be a time for every activity, a time for every deed."   ~Ecclesiastes 3:17
4. If God is there to carry you through, then surely the enemy is not far behind. Know that crap happens, and God is not the perpretrator...so run to Him and not away from His protection and love.
5. God does give you the desires of your heart. It doesn't always look like what you planned, and it doesn't always happen in your time. When it does happen, rest assured it will be more then you could have imagined for yourself and that He does know what He is doing.                         "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven"   ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1                                                              
6. Also know that God does not "punish" you for your actions...your actions can have consequences, and they are punishment enough. Consequences can have some very undesireable repercussions and you made those choices. After all, God gave us free will!
7. Remember God is a God of second chances, miracles can happen and we should always ask for them, then HOPE. 
8. And remember, ANNIE predicted it... "The sun'll come out, Tomorrow!"

Till then, just keep swimming, just keep swimming! ~ Dori (Finding Nemo)

This past 2 years, it feels like death is all we know. It has come up and swallowed us whole.




It is dark and the pain all consuming.




In the state of grief we are in, it is difficult to see the sunnier side of life. Once and awhile we glimpse wonderful sunsets, wildlife or the moon and it reminds us that there is still beauty in the world.



Other times, without much forsight on my part, I end up thinking about our precious children. It is usually triggered by other children, being teased about when I am finally going to get on the baby making train, hearing "I'm pregnant!", watching our friends with envy or the countless reminders around our house (scrapbooking stuff, the baby items we had bought in our anticipation and even our wedding pics...yes they remind me of what we were hoping for that day, a family).
It was to the point I was tempted to burn everything we owned, especially my scrapbooking room.


Just a couple of months ago, I finally started scrapbooking/cardmaking again. I am trying to keep my focus on the positive experiences we are having in our lives right now...
We have wonderful pets, we are almost completely debt free again (not counting good debt - ie a mortgage), we are working on the yard this summer and we are meeting people where we live. David is a volunteer firefighter now too and he is seriously looking into a new career, which would make having kids possible for us. :)

Trying to bathe in the sunshine for now...

I Am Not CRAZY!

My friend said it right, when she was talking about what it is like to grieve (she was talking about her late husband). Although my loss will never be the same as hers and can never be compared...this is what she said about dealing with the constant thoughts of her late husband,

"It has been so long for everyone else that I mostly keep you to myself now. To bring you up, to speak of you, to relive our life garners strange looks, tilts of the head, and awkward escapes from my presence. I am the only one who remembers. I have no choice. You haunt me........ It is like we have our own secret life that nobody knows. This secret is the heaviest burden I have ever had to bear. It is like scrambling up a mountainside with a boulder strapped to you, dragging it slowly, painfully through the mud. While everyone else takes an escalator." {http://emilygarvinonedayatatime.blogspot.com/}

The way she is able to draw a picture with words is so amazing. She puts into words, the emotions that I find impossible to really convey (often she can do it with humor too and still get her point across).
The gravity of pain I am going through,  I am incapable of expressing so others can really understand.

Instead people tell me I should be "moving on", stop thinking about it (after all it is over now, the miscarriages have come and gone), or just forget about it and let it go.

But I cannot.

Obviously, these people have never experienced this kind of pain or they would keep those thoughts to themselves. If  this pain was something I could just turn off, trust me I would!
It is a never ending onslaught of an aching heart and painful reminders. Every pregnant belly that I see, or child kickstarts my memories.

The best way I can explain it to you, is that at any point I can think about our kids and think of where they would be in their milestones now.

Our first would be celebrating their second birthday this november.
Our second and third, I never remembered their exact birthdays (we didn't talk about it much and no one else wanted to talk about it either. That was when I was first told I didn't know what I was talking about, that I couldn't be infertile by... "friends"). All I remember is the overwhelming grief and coming to the terms with lost friendships (most of them believing that I hated them for having kids).
Our fourth would be about 3 months now and starting to pull themselves up.
Our fifth (the ectopic) would be due next month.
Our last pregnancy (which may have been twins), I would be about 4 months pregnant and able to see them clearly on the ultrasound. We would be painting their room and starting to build the crib. Instead, what would have been their birthdays is either my birthday or the anniversary of our ectopic. Either date will be rough.

Obviously I wouldn't have been able to have all these kids if we hadn't lost some of them, but nontheless I do think about them. They are all precious and ours, and will remain a lasting memory.

A family member gave us the book Heaven Is For Real by Todd Burpo after our ectopic in September. I read it in 2 days, and every word I zipped through to see if the child who saw heaven heard anything about unborn children while he was in heaven...and he did.
In the book the child says that his sibling was there, and said she had no name (since her parents hadn't named her yet).
Which means that Jesus tells them about what their parents named them or thought of them. I want Jesus to tell all our children that each one of them holds that special place in our heart and that we long for the day we too can hold them in our arms.
Those few words about what he learned is what also helps me through this...knowing that our children are in the presence of Jesus awaiting our arrival.  Even more now I long to be in the presence of the Lord, where my most precious treasures dwell. :)

What I am saying is, so many people mistake someones grief for a lack of hope or trust in God.
Or for their inability to cope with or that they are depressed.
People often forget that the memory of a person does not die with them. It doesn't matter if you held that little person in your arms or if they died in the womb. The hopes, dreams and plans you had for them and your family are real and will never be forgotten. The unborn have two days that will always remind you of them, all the days you walk this earth and right into the next - angelverssaries and birthdays).

I am not depressed, crazy or obsessed...I'm grieving. God puts it into the best words to describe it.
Someone else whose blog I follow, had the perfect scripture that described the gravity of pain one experiences with this kind of loss.
It is Lamentations 3:13, 19-22
"He shot his arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing Love of the Lord never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction."

AMEN!

Introducing Our New Family Member...Winston!

On March 10th we picked up this super sweet bundle of joy (and some tears. lol), whom we have named Winston "Dyson" "Titan".

We named him Winston, since he is so smart, loyal and always seeking approval. Already he has learned to sit, and also to sit and wait for his food. "Dyson" is since he is a vacuum and sucks everything on the floor up! "Titan" was the nickname they had for him at the kennel we adopted him from, Klassic Kennels.


Winston met a good number of our friends that day and learned the same boundaries in their homes that apply at home. He did so well at being obedient...at the last house. lol

We already had all his toys and food ready, when we picked him up. So the ride home wasn't bad, as he had his owl to entertain him (it is now more of a Frankin-owl)


We went on plenty of walks/runs that day, so he slept for most of the ride and as you can see most of the seat. lol
He is growing everyday and is just now loosing the puppy fluff hair, for the coarser kind.

Since that day we have been working on being the 'Pack Leader', teaching him his boundaries (he is not allowed in the dining area or kitchen and our bathrooms or guest room), and to let us touch him wherever we want and whenever (so as to prevent any likely hood of aggression). We are also practicing his walks and he is improving all the time!

This is where he sleeps in the livingroom, when we are in there. He likes to be with us all the time! He isn't potty trained yet, but he is getting better. Only a couple accidents now, here or there.

We love this little turkey! Welcome home Winston :)

This Is My Go To Cheer Up Song

Mercy Me - Move 

  

This song never fails to pull me out of my "slumps". It gets me dancing and smiling and reminds me... in Him we live, and move, and have our being" (Acts 17:28)

If you missed the lyrics:

 Mercy Me - Move 

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say,
"There's gonna be brighter days.There's gonna be brighter days."

I won't stop,
I'll keep my head up
No, I'm not hear to stay.
"There's gonna be brighter days.
There's gonna be brighter days."

I just might bend,
But I won't brake
As I long as I can see your face.

When life won't play along,
and right keeps going wrong
and I can't seem to find my way

I know where I am found
So I won't let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move

I've got to hold 'er steady
Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This hurt is is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything is about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend,
But I won't brake
As I long as I can see your face.

When life won't play along,
and right keeps going wrong
and I can't seem to find my way

I know where I am found
So I won't let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move

No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move, gotta move to a different beat

I just might bend,
But I won't break
As I long as I can see your face.

When life won't play along,
and right keeps going wrong
and I can't seem to find my way

I know where I am found
So I won't let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

When life won't play along,
and right keeps going wrong
and I can't seem to find my way

I know where I am found
So I won't let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

No matter what may come (I'm gonna move)
Gotta move to a different drum (I'm gonna move)
No matter what life brings
(I'm gonna move)
Gotta move, gotta move to a different beat
(I'm gonna move)

This Song Gets Me

The Chapman Family is amazing. They have survived the most horrifying realty, which is loosing a child. Yet their story is more then that, since they lost theirs in an accident with their older child at fault. How does one move past that and heal?

I used to think, how can I cope? How can I keep moving forward, when I just want the whole world to pause (so I can have time to deal with this, no interruptions)? Yet that is not the reality we have, I have to find a way to keep going and face each day.

 This song explains so well how I feel and how I need to get through this.

Hope it encourages you as well, to trust that God will be with you through anything...even when you can't wait to have a real hug from Him in person!

I Will Trust You

    Steven Curtis Chapman

I don't even wanna breathe right now 

All I wanna do is close my eyes 

But I don't wanna open them again 

Until I'm standing on the other side

  
I don't even wanna be right now 

I don't wanna think another thought 

And I don't wanna feel this pain I feel  

And right now, pain is all I've got

  It feels like it's all I've got, but I know it's not 

No, I know You're all I've got 

And I will trust You, I'll trust You  

Trust You, God, I will 

Even when I don't understand, even then I will say again  

You are my God, and I will trust You

 
God, I'm longing for the day to come  

When this cloudy glass I'm looking through 

Is shattered in a million pieces  

And finally I can just see You

 
God, You know I believe it's true  

I know I will see You  

But until the day I do

  I will trust You, trust You  

Trust You, God, I will  

Even when I don't understand  

Even then I will say again

  You are my God, and I'll trust You 

And with every breath I take  

And for every day that breaks  

I will trust You  

I will trust You 

And when nothing is making sense 

Even then I will say again

  God, I trust You  

I will trust You  

I know Your heart is good  

I know Your love is strong  

And I know Your plans for me  

Are much better than my own

 
So I will trust You, trust You  

I trust You, God, I do 

Even when I can't see the end  

And I will trust You  

I will trust You, I will  

Even when I don't understand  

Even then I will say again

 
I will trust You, I will trust You, I will   

I know Your heart is good, 

Your love is strong,  

Your plans for me are better than my own  

Yeah, Your heart is good  

Your love is strong  

Your plans for me are better than my own  

And I trust You  

You are my God  

And I will trust You

 

Adding to Our Family

Some people probably think we are nuts for saying that our pets are like family to us, but they are. They mean so much to us and are really good at comforting when the times are tough. They all have their own personalities and quirks. Believe it or not our largest member (Kura) actually gets grumpy if we take too long getting home (of course he probably is just wondering where his human heater is, but we like to think he cares about us. lol)

I know we couldn't possibly be the only ones that have decided to either start their family off with the four-legged variety or choose to have them be "the kids". Pets are so amazing and although a ton of work, completely rewarding.

That being said, with David planning on heading to school in July...we decided to add a more cuddly family member.

 

Of course, as David has said, we have to meet the little guy first and see if he is a fit. Not unusual for me, I have already decided he is a fit by what I have heard and seen. lol We are looking so forward to seeing him tomorrow and some of our friends, who we miss so darn much!

I can't wait! Hopefully one day we will have another four-legged kind of kid. Until God lets us in on the plan, I will end it with a cute joke.

They Make Mountains Out of...

Do you ever have someone say they really want to have kids right now, but there is something holding them back?
They proceed to tell you (I am unsure of whether they realize or not) the ways to which they continue to hold themselves back. Contributing to the reason they can't, but they want to soooo bad!

It is frustrating to hear this over and over again from the same people, when I wish it was a case of more money, time, less bills or whatever their reason; for us to have a child.

In order for us to have kids now, we must pass the scrutiny of the multitudes. Not just the people we do know, but the government and social workers as well. We need references and lots of money. We even have to write a bio page about us and our house, so the mother can look at our home and decide if that fits what she wants for her child (will our house be big enough for anyone, will our looks work against us, will anyone accept our pets, our jobs or the rest of our family?) Then we also have to pay for lawyers and any other fees associated with the adoption process.

I wish this whole process were simpler. I wish there wasn't going to be interviews twice with a social worker, that will assess our home, finances and well us! We are nervous, since we do not have full family support. In fact some of the family is opposed. This is hard for us, when deep down we look at everyone else that will have a baby born this year and none of them endure all this scrutiny.

No women in Canada that is pregnant will have their finances assessed, their homes judged or they're mental health evaluated. Yet people are telling us that adoption is so easy!
It is the first thing people say to us when we miscarry again, "don't worry you can always adopt!"

Even the adoption website makes it clear that we could pass all the government evals, legal parameters and have a profile in the box..."We certainly can't and don't promise that every family will get a baby. "
Then there is how long it will take.."be prepared for a three year wait with the understanding that it could be much shorter or much longer".
When you are picked, in Canada, it is legal for the birth mother to withdraw her parental release and take her child back (anywhere within 10 days after the date the birth mother signed the consent forms or she can fight in court anytime after that time, stating she signed under duress. A judge could then revoke our parental rights). All these things scare us!

So please do not complain to me about things stopping you and then in the following sentence how you are doing it to yourself. People in my shoes would give anything to have their own baby, and nothing gets in their way. If we can make it through this mountain, then your stuff looks more like a mole hill.

How Do I Make It Through?

God is giving me strength and he is using this blog to do it.

Also he is using another blog called 999 Reasons To Laugh at Infertility

Once again their post started my day with a good laugh. If there was an infertility book, here are some title possibilities (these were my faves):

• We made a baby and my husband wasn’t even in the room.
• Whodonit? I just murdered my period.
• I can’t afford fertility treatment but I can afford this bottle of alcohol.
• My period is three hours late and I feel giddy.
• My eggs might be cracked but my heart is still hopeful.
• I might be old and grey before I conceive, but it will happen.

My absolute favorite has to be the 3 hrs late & I feel giddy. lol Been there before and then you are counting every hour after a blessing and you want to call all your friends and tell them you're pregnant. lol

They have another really good one called #631 Everyone has a Baby but you The fertility doctor and the bowl of ice cream were my faves.

Hope your day starts off merry too!

Do You Ever Feel...

...Like you're that kid stuck on the merry-go-round and you cannot get off?

That's what I feel like lately. It is exacerbated by all the reminders around me of what I want, and cannot have.
I haven't scrapbooked for awhile, because my scrapbook room has all the kits and papers and stamps that I bought for making baby, and family albums.

It just sucks the creativity juices right out of me!

I miss the days when I had a Stamp Club, where every month I had to do at least 2 cards and prep for a class. It forced me to face my scrapbook room in a positive light. Now that my club is gone, I just feel like burning all the stuff!

I also miss chatting with people. I wish some of them had become friendships, like I imagined they would when I first moved to Calgary. It was part of the reason I started my own business; to meet people.

Now, I talk mostly to friends 1-3 hours away and miss them so much! I wish I could put my house on a truck and move it somewhere close to my friends. I miss morning sanity-keeping coffees and games nights frequently. I miss scrapbooking with my neighbors and friends, who I haven't called since all this crap started (what do I say? I don't want to heap a bunch of depressing crap on them.)

*sigh* Just hanging out on my merry-go-round.

Gossip "in the name of Jesus!"

Originally I was not going to share my infertility updates with people anymore; which I had decided just prior to my Ectopic in September. Already I had noticed the effects of being open with my struggle (the disbelief, ostricising, gossip and hurtful comments; including that I just don't have enough faith and that is why no baby yet). Then when the ectopic happened the only 3 people we did share it with, told people they knew and all of them used the same excuse - you needed prayer. From there it has spread.

Us women know we are not to gossip. Christian women know this especially, since the Bible makes Gods stance very clear. Which is...don't!
{Leviticus 19:16; Proverbs 11:13; Romans 1:29; 1 Timothy 5:13; Matthew 7:1; Proverbs 18:8}

Yet some people find it their business to tell other peoples personal business to everyone! The worst part, they use God. They tell themselves it isn't gossiping if they ask someone to pray for you or your situation. If they feel for you and share it with someone else then it is all good right? That means they are just concerned for you.
Ladies, it is still gossip if you call it something else (just like a lie is a lie, no matter the colour).

Myself, I have become the "righteous gossiper". Those who have gossiped about me, I feel should be open targets for me to gossip about. I don't mean that I intentionally set out to do it either. Just that in the moment, my anger takes over and revenge spills out. To say my hurt hasn't turned to anger and then into bitterness would be a farce. I am angry. I am bitter!

Mostly though, my husband and I both, are really hurt. We wanted to believe that there was somebody who would understand our desire to grieve in private, and we really didn't want the whole world to know (Galatians 6:2 ESV). We didn't want to experience all those things again. Just before I decided to start blogging this, we found out that everyone at my work knows. So somebody spread the news again even further, and these were people we specifically asked to please not tell a soul!

So why not talk about it, when everyone already know. The only thing that will be news to them is what it feels like going through all the effects of Multiple Miscarriages and Infertility.

After all, we had already heard enough about how we "need to pray more" (which thanks for the tip, but my husband has been praying over my belly since we were first married and I have been personally doing it for 6 years, so you can relax in knowing...thats not it), we don't have hope (I think the previous posts covers this a bit), we don't believe in the miracles that God performs (I have personally witnessed more then one of His miracles, rest assured that my faith is unshakable) or that you just can't tell what God is doing in your life (fyi, we can't tell what the enemy is doing either and I highly doubt a God of love would ever make a woman infertile. Use the outcome for His will, yes. Torment you, no).

I hear the way I have spoken about others lately, and I don't like it. Which makes me wonder, do the other gossip perpetrators even think twice about what they did? The hurt they have caused and the friendships they have destroyed? Do they even realize that there will be unforseable consequences?
I do.
I don't just mean for their actions either, but for mine as well.

Gossip is like a ripple in a pond. You can't take it back, the effects are far reaching, you can't predict how the consequences will play out and you are often creating a cascade-ripple effect (it will just keep going).

When will all us ladies realize we need to stick together, love each other more then ourselves and stand up for one another? When will people start to say, "I really don't think that is appropriate to share"?

The bible talks about holding your brethern accountable for their actions:

• Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. - Ephesians 4:25 ESV
• Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.  -Proverbs 27:17 ESV
• Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom.           -Colossians 3:16 ESV
• Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. - Hebrews 3:12-13 ESV

 Then there are also scriptures about how to help yourself:

•  “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.” -Proverbs 26:20 (NIV)
•  “Then you must inquire, probe and investigate it thoroughly.” -Deuteronomy 13:14 (NIV)
•  “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” -Matthew 7:12 (NIV)
•  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” -Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

 Lastly there is scripture about how to deal with it if it spirals out of control or others sin against you:

• Whoever says to the wicked, “You are in the right,” will be cursed by peoples, abhorred by nations, but those who rebuke the wicked will have delight, and a good blessing will come upon them.              -Proverbs 24:24-25 ESV
• When one of you has a grievance against another, does he dare go to law before the unrighteous instead of the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases? Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, then, matters pertaining to this life! So if you have such cases, why do you lay them before those who have no standing in the church? I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers, ...                             -1 Corinthians 6:1-8 ESV
• 
  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.                -Ephesians 4:32 ESV
• “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. -Matthew 18:15-17 ESV

So, as one can see..all of this has deeply troubled me and I have been seeking God about it. Pray for me, as I do not want to be bitter about this. I want to move past it all and get back to who I was before all the drama entered our lives.

Life As We Know It...

The other night we wept together and cried out in agony to God.

This whole thing feels so unfair! 

No horror film comes close to recreating the nightmare we can't seem to escape.

As the week progresses, the pain increases. We were told in January we're pregnant and our Doctor said we had the green light to get excited and plan for the best, all our blood tests showed a healthy pregnancy. So good were the numbers that he told us we might even have twins!

 So we registered at Toys'R'us, as a way of getting to tell someone and not our friends. We learned from the other times that it is harder when you tell some of your friends. They get all weird and avoid you like you're bringing the plague or leprosy back!
So on our calender, we picked the opportune day to share the great news...March 3. We wanted all our friends to come and so planned far ahead and told everyone they "had" to come.

Our excitement was building, and we tried to book our midwife. We bought 2 cute outfits when we met Natalia, and learned all about cloth diapers.
Maybe we got a bit ahead of ourselves, but excitement doesn't come close to describing how we were feeling. Especially since I was being tested every 3 days and our Doctor said we were still good.

So we booked our ultra sound scan, and sat in the waiting room with the dumbest look on our faces. They ask you if you want pictures and we said we think we are 2 months...can we pick in the room? If we can't see much, we will wait till the next USS. We had a tech that wasn't the nicest (she said, "I can't tell you what things are, I am not a Dr." and seemed vagina phobic) and a really dumb Doctor (it was in the uterus on the scan, but next time he wanted to make sure it wasn't ectopic. Ask me if you don't know why he is stupid and I will explain). We learned from them that we apparently can't do math and the fetus(s) must be under 4 weeks (by the way an under 4 week fetus doesn't have a placenta).
I knew the worst was true.
My Doctor consoled me and told us to wait 2 more weeks. He said sometimes pregnancies can progress differently (I know they just can't blurt out what they think, till they know) and all our blood tests were more then good.

So for 2 weeks we waited, and this time I went by myself. I had an amazing tech that time, and she gave me the play-by-play of what she was seeing.
Unfortunately she said the words I have come to dread, "one moment I just need to get the Doctor to come have a look"
"is something wrong"
"no, he likes to double check the internal USS"
I knew it was bad news by the way, because after 2 weeks an abdominal scan would have been all I needed. So I waited in that cold room to hear our babies fate, it was a 'Blighted Ovum' (I do not like it, it sounds so much like we didn't have a baby growing in there and more like an alien that they are scared to call by name!)
The baby(s) never grew after the first 2 weeks, and everything else progressed normally (weight gain, placenta, etc). I wanted the floor to swallow me!
Instead I kept my tears inside, and probably looked like a freak as I tried to keep smiling and thanked them both. They were amazing at their job, I just had a dud.

I raced to my Doctor, who was nice enough to see me (without an appointment), and I asked him why this was happening to me.
I thought it couldn't get worse in the back of my mind, but I already knew what he was going to tell me.
My eggs are not genetically formed properly (told you those health problems were a sign my body is messed) and it is a 1 in a million chance that a genetically formed egg will meet sperm and make us a baby. We also need a Gynecologist (told you useless Doctor back in Red Deer six years ago. Thanks for wasting space in a Med Clinic!)
All that in a month and a half!

Great, so now I will endure unending miscarriages in the elusive chase of that one perfect egg!

Anyway, to sum it all up we didn't want to cancel this Saturday. We don't want to feel like we're lepers and stay alone, again this weekend in the house. So we are having a games party this weekend, and I hope that all we think about is gaming strategy. I need a break from all the "other" thinking I have been doing lately. It isn't constructive and it will not help me dominate while playing Settlers!

Sexier Then a Blowfish?

Right now, I feel less sexy then a blow-fish!

 I am bloated, gained a lot of weight (not to mention cellulite), my skin looks horrible, I wear fear and bitterness on my face, and not to mention I am sure my Husband can relate to this picture...I am constantly short with patience lately, so he gets hurt a lot!

All of this trying, has really killed my body shape too. I look more cylindrical now then hour glass and if it wasn't for the fact that each pregnancy makes my boobs larger, I am quite sure it would appear as though my stomache swallowed them!

I am fairly certain that this is adding to my stress. I could be wrong, but the fact that my lips get more action then a garborator does (after each miscarriage), kinda says it all. If I come to your house, and hover over the food like a famine is starting tomorrow...I probably have recently miscarried. Food is my comfort, I am sad to say. Which only adds to my weight from the pregnancies and surgery. 

Please keep the advice of, "well then stop eating" to yourself. it doesn't help here. Obviously I know what I have to do...stop the addiction!

Right now food is my Dr. Phil and I just need to reach the healing stage and stay there. 

So far when I am there we get pregnant and loose the baby, and then I am back to square one. The stages get worse, as every time I end up morning the loss of every child combined. I haven't had the chance to grieve each child completely. Sometimes I just want to give up and sit on the couch, just eating crap all day!