Life As We Know It...

The other night we wept together and cried out in agony to God.

This whole thing feels so unfair! 

No horror film comes close to recreating the nightmare we can't seem to escape.

As the week progresses, the pain increases. We were told in January we're pregnant and our Doctor said we had the green light to get excited and plan for the best, all our blood tests showed a healthy pregnancy. So good were the numbers that he told us we might even have twins!

 So we registered at Toys'R'us, as a way of getting to tell someone and not our friends. We learned from the other times that it is harder when you tell some of your friends. They get all weird and avoid you like you're bringing the plague or leprosy back!
So on our calender, we picked the opportune day to share the great news...March 3. We wanted all our friends to come and so planned far ahead and told everyone they "had" to come.

Our excitement was building, and we tried to book our midwife. We bought 2 cute outfits when we met Natalia, and learned all about cloth diapers.
Maybe we got a bit ahead of ourselves, but excitement doesn't come close to describing how we were feeling. Especially since I was being tested every 3 days and our Doctor said we were still good.

So we booked our ultra sound scan, and sat in the waiting room with the dumbest look on our faces. They ask you if you want pictures and we said we think we are 2 months...can we pick in the room? If we can't see much, we will wait till the next USS. We had a tech that wasn't the nicest (she said, "I can't tell you what things are, I am not a Dr." and seemed vagina phobic) and a really dumb Doctor (it was in the uterus on the scan, but next time he wanted to make sure it wasn't ectopic. Ask me if you don't know why he is stupid and I will explain). We learned from them that we apparently can't do math and the fetus(s) must be under 4 weeks (by the way an under 4 week fetus doesn't have a placenta).
I knew the worst was true.
My Doctor consoled me and told us to wait 2 more weeks. He said sometimes pregnancies can progress differently (I know they just can't blurt out what they think, till they know) and all our blood tests were more then good.

So for 2 weeks we waited, and this time I went by myself. I had an amazing tech that time, and she gave me the play-by-play of what she was seeing.
Unfortunately she said the words I have come to dread, "one moment I just need to get the Doctor to come have a look"
"is something wrong"
"no, he likes to double check the internal USS"
I knew it was bad news by the way, because after 2 weeks an abdominal scan would have been all I needed. So I waited in that cold room to hear our babies fate, it was a 'Blighted Ovum' (I do not like it, it sounds so much like we didn't have a baby growing in there and more like an alien that they are scared to call by name!)
The baby(s) never grew after the first 2 weeks, and everything else progressed normally (weight gain, placenta, etc). I wanted the floor to swallow me!
Instead I kept my tears inside, and probably looked like a freak as I tried to keep smiling and thanked them both. They were amazing at their job, I just had a dud.

I raced to my Doctor, who was nice enough to see me (without an appointment), and I asked him why this was happening to me.
I thought it couldn't get worse in the back of my mind, but I already knew what he was going to tell me.
My eggs are not genetically formed properly (told you those health problems were a sign my body is messed) and it is a 1 in a million chance that a genetically formed egg will meet sperm and make us a baby. We also need a Gynecologist (told you useless Doctor back in Red Deer six years ago. Thanks for wasting space in a Med Clinic!)
All that in a month and a half!

Great, so now I will endure unending miscarriages in the elusive chase of that one perfect egg!

Anyway, to sum it all up we didn't want to cancel this Saturday. We don't want to feel like we're lepers and stay alone, again this weekend in the house. So we are having a games party this weekend, and I hope that all we think about is gaming strategy. I need a break from all the "other" thinking I have been doing lately. It isn't constructive and it will not help me dominate while playing Settlers!