Them Prada Ladies!

Prada, Coach….baby?

Ah, yes. The baby accessory Mama

The Elusive Baby Club.

You know the one I am referring to, where the cost of membership is at least one baby (or in the process of one at least). The Club where if you have not delivered a baby or are not currently in the process of preparing for the, “due date” don’t bother trying to fit in.

This private club has no interest in your menial life, as you know it. No longer will your most valued moments come anywhere near to their much more superior-meaningful ones (such as poopy diapers, sleepless nights or you get the idea).
From here on out forget offering advice. Your life experiences or wisdom gained through others is useless here. Even if you held an Obstetrics Degree, their knowledge is far more superior to yours. They have passed through a right of passage; making their intellect far more advanced then yours and maturity now beyond your years.

If you have ever had the delight of this experience, then I am sure you understand what I mean. These girls can be besties if you are planning a family and frenemies the moment you have complications or delays (especially the unforeseeable future type).

They will tell you that it isn’t anything to do with you or your infertility, but then they are the same group of people who will write the unmarried friends off right in front of you too. They say things to the effect of, “I don’t hang out with single ladies. They just don’t understand what it is like to be married.”

Now I know it can be easier to hang out with people that share similar interests or have experienced the same things in life. However I do not see where this fits into being a Christian or into being a nice person at all! Whatever happened to having friends of all kinds and seeing life through their eyes? In rejoicing with them and weeping at the low points too.

Either they lied to me in Grade 1 with the whole ‘Your friend is my friend’ or what is more likely the reality…people are becoming more and more self absorbed.

Really, do you need to always talk about poopy diapers? Can’t you enjoy spending time with friends that don't have kids and enjoy talking about other “exciting” things?

I have friends of all types: lesbians; multicultural; differing religious or beliefs; male and female; short and tall; mothers; infertile; single and married; etc.
They all add something wonderful to my life. They have all taught me something new about myself, others, and relationship with God. They enrich my conversations and my life, with stories and with what brought them to where they are now. Each friend is unique and each one offers unique wisdom. If I don’t agree with what they are saying, we discuss it and then take what we want from it (realising that neither party is trying to sound like they know it all, just offering a perspective that may not have been considered). I call it the “take it with a pinch of salt and a cup of sugar” philosophy. Which in layman’s terms, means “use your brains and decide if it is the right thing and smile anyway”

I keep praying that God will give me patience to handle these situations.

Next time I swear, the next group that talks about being a cliché and ignoring people simply due tocircumstances out of their control (or by their own choice) I am going to scream "Cult!", run away and never speak to them again.

To Have or Not To Have....

"If you cannot conceive, maybe you aren't meant to have children."

~ Said by a "True Believer"

Ok, so this is one of those things that someone has said to me (to which I find very insensitive).

Which of course, as if finding yourself infertile doesn't make you have a million-and-one questions that you ask yourself as it is, this statement made me ask myself one more...

Should we be parents?

Maybe this sounds weird to you, because obviously we want to be parents so bad that all of this is giving us a complex and a twitch, but how do I know if we are "meant" to be parents? Is it in Gods will that we raise wee ones or any children at all?

I used to think that the statement was not only insensitive, but also stupid and ignorant (and the person along with it. I don't find her particularly intelligible or sensitive. She is a Prada-Baby Mama...I'll explain that in another post). However, lately it has made me think..and a lot. Was it just her vapid brain that thought it or was it God using her? How do I find out?

Some of the things it has made me think about is whether or not I could live a life free of bitterness without children. Would I be happy? Would my life feel like it had meaning and purpose? Would I look back later and regret having or not having children?

My brain feels all jelly-like and over-worked. Just thinking about this gives me a major headache. I want an answer and yet it isn't something that seems to come right away. Perhaps God has the answer for me, and I just haven't crossed the right person or reached the right stage for that answer.

Perhaps he is getting me ready, so it is at the right time and not when it would send me to the Ponoka Mental Institute. Although I do hear they have nice slippers there. *wink* ;)

I will seek Gods wisdom and maybe He will find me there.

Things I Hear Almost Daily & Want to Rip Out My Hair...

Being the age that I am, I get a lot of, "oh when are you guys going to try for a baby?" or "I thought you wanted kids right away?" or the one that really hurts is "we are going to have a kid in 10 monthes or so, hope you don't mind that were gonna be pregnant!?!"

Now, I do realize that some people say these things without knowing our circumstances and others are really genuinley trying to "be nice". Then there are those people you can tell are just insensitive, mean spirited or jealous (how the latter works, I am not sure. Still confused on that one).

These people are the same ones who don't stop there. The insensitive things they say, keep coming.
Here is a list of just a few of the insensitive things I have heard:

• "Oh, you couldn't possibly be infertile!"
• "Don't you think you're a little bit too young to be thinking you're infertile?"
• "Listen, I've had kids...so I know it will all work out for you. It just takes time."
• "You should pray more."
• "Maybe you're not spending enough time with God."
• "Well it is better to loose the baby before you held it. Dont ya think?"
• " I have kids, but I know how you fell. Pregnancy is scary!"
• "I miscarried once."
• "I've had cysts, and so I can imagine what multiple miscarriages feels like."
• "I would be willing to carry a child for you. Being pregnant is the best part. I love being pregnant. Feeling the baby inside of you, bonding, and seeing it on the ultrasound. I wouldn't mind at all!."    (This said right after I had shared how sad I was that I will not get to experience pregnancy).
• "My friend lost a baby, I know how you feel."
• "Oh, you're miscarrying. I know how you feel."                                                                               (This person was allowed to go home from work and grieve, while I was told a day off would risk my job. Miscarriage to some people is just another day I guess.)
• "I think you're being dramatic. Miscarriage isn't that bad."
• "If you havn't been diagnosed by your Doctor, then you couldn't possibly be infertile."
• "We could have had a lot of fun if you had children."                                                                   (Does this imply I wouldn't be without? I guess so!)

On top of all these things, I have lost friendships because of my openess about our experiences. I am being open about it, because I am hoping that through my experiences I can help someone else experiencing similar loss.
Having multiple miscarriages (as defined by Doctors as more then 5 in around a years time), infertility or sub-fertility (having complications becoming pregnant. Meaning it is possible without medical intervetion). All of these make a person feel isolated, alone, ostracised, and depressed. We hear hurtful things (some are really unintelligle, because I will not tell someone I care about not to have a baby. I don't hate children or pregnant woman, just because I am infertile.) Also, the way employers treat people going through this experience can really make you feel crummy. They are not understanding or sometimes even sensitive.
For example, since my ruptured ectopic in September, someone at work approached me and said, " you probably can't wait to get home to your baby."
"My baby?"
"Yeah, it probably makes this gloomy day not so gloomy knowing you'll be at home with your baby soon."
"Do you mean pet baby or a real flesh-child-baby?"
"Child baby."
"I don't have any children."
"Oh I am so sorry. People told me thats where you have been for these past months!"
The poor man walked away as fast as he could and as red in the face as he could be.
Office gossip can be so cruel, as I went home and bawled my eyes out that night.

It would be nice if people would just think before the words spill out. Maybe one day this will happen. I'm not counting on it, but it's nicer to hope it will.

One Day at a Time

The other day a co worker asked me how I get out of bed with all that has happened to me.

Yep, I didn't have an answer.
I just said I don't know, because honestly I don't.
Everyday I am so tempted to hold my husband hostage and just stay in bed. I don't want to eat or drink, just to lay there, till...something, anything better happens.
I know that is absurd to think laying in bed all day will change our circumstances. It won't change the past. Everything that happened to me till this point, well has happened. I can't fix the way my genes came together (too bad), so that doesn't fix why I am infertile. I can't even decide what will happen tomorrow, because it will be whatever it will be anyway.

So how do I get out of bed?
All I can think is that my body has a mind of it's own, and God isn't letting me destroy what can be.
My life isn't dependent on the things that happen to me or what others have done to me, it should just be what it needs to be...
"But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand," ISA 64:8.

God made me for a reason, and He is really trying to show me that in spite of all this mess.
I can't see past all the hurt right now, maybe tomorrow when I get out of bed. :)

What is Hope?

Where does it come from? Why do we bother having it at all?

I have been thinking a lot about this lately. All the times when we were pregnant, we always had "hope". Then it occurred to me the other day, that our "hope" has always been selfish.
Our hope has always been about our wants, our plans, our dreams. I have never had hope for the common man, for children without parents, or for the homeless. For all those things, I am always hopeless.
So I realized, have I ever really had hope at all? Isn't hope supposed to be, I don't know, more?
Shouldn't hope be what starts change? The mechanism that allows us to keep going in spite of it all or to start on something we thought was hopeless in the first place. Isn't it meant to be shared and to bring people closer together?

That's when I realized that I had let the Hope God gave me, become something just for us (mostly for me). It is when I realized that I have let the world become the ruler of my life, instead of letting go and letting God.

Now I have decided to turn back to God in this. To ask Him to restore real Hope in me. Not for me or my plans (my wants or desires), for all the stuff in the world that needs Hope. Things that have caused people to need one another to encourage them, and lift them up. To share in the pain and in the overcoming of it.

Today I will ask God to show me where He needs the Hope to be put. Maybe it will be that I need to restore my Hope in what He will do for us and the people I find are in hopeless circumstances. Maybe it will be...something unexpected.

Uterus Out of Order

I want to fling my uterus at the wall today!
Why should I endure raging hormones, a period & not fitting into my pants from bloating if the damn thing doesn't even work!?!
My poor husband has been enduring my monthly hormonal tirades wonderfully for the first year of marriage and then September 19th hit & wham...he also now gets to enjoy my bitter-frusterated-cursing-munchy-hormonal roller coaster known as infertility rants.

If we have never met in person or you are just unsure why I am kind of not in touch too often this past year and a half, this may be a bit of a shock to you. Especially if you don't know the whole story.
So let me start from the top... This past year and a half has been interesting to say the least. It has been filled with real highs and really, really low, lows. First we started off by planning our wedding, which was fun (and a bit stressful) Then we were married and it was such a joyous and beautiful occasion! Moved 3 times (1st place was not fancy, but awesome landlords; second was nice place, but not the funnest when landlords live above & the third is our house...which is such an amazing high). My friend passed away, when we just started mending our friendship. So that was a real low, especially since I never got to say goodbye. Lost my Grandparents, whom I wish I knew better (long story there) and that was also a real low point. Started my business & that was going well, then 2 MC's and it went downhill from there. Moved into our house & the stove didn't work or the hot water tank. Endured trying to fix it, and till then heating water for 5 hours on the now fixed stove for one bath. That was really stressful. Then September 19th happened, and my already in a roller coaster, mopey slightly depressed state worsened.
That day seemed normal and ended with me in emergency surgery, with the surgeons advice being to say goodbye to my husband as I might not make it. I was close to death & they were unsure what exactly happened. Turns out we were pregnant, it was ectopic, had burst, and I had been bleeding for about a week. Now I was in my last moments and all I could think was, "please just let me keep the baby and die trying to save it.", then looking at David and not thinking...just feeling the excruciating pain of drowning & the loss of yet another child.
To save my life, I am down one tube; I was not allowed the remains of my child and to top it all off my already slim chance of giving birth just dropped a large percentage... not to mention I had been carrying our baby and didn't even know it. I was mortified!
Now every day I think about our baby that we lost, and not a day goes by that I don't think, "what did I do wrong?" or "if only I had..." Those are my good days. Now 3 months have passed, and every period becomes it's own nightmare. I dread that time, because every day becomes a minute and I become an emotional wreck. I can't function, I barely eat, I rant about people that have babies who don't want them and the why's!
I don't know how I manage to get myself out of bed most days and my memory is crap (mostly from thinking about our baby all the time).
I am not sure what tomorrow holds, if we will be able to have a child of our own or how I will cope...
all I do know, is I am out of bed today.