Tonight the realization hit me.... no wonder why I am like this lately! No longer is there a day that doesn't remind me of a lost child or their birthdays or the loss of somebody else dear to me. I cannot escape the grief we have endured these past two years. Here I thought that I was doing so well, and behold I was only bottling it in to try and "get by" (if you can call it that). Basically other people cannot handle another oness grief, and so when I am suffering I have to slap a happy face on and pretend for them that I am not hurting. Good for them, but detrimental to me. When I have asked people why they were saying the things they would to me, I was told it is because they cannot stand to see me hurting so they try to "fix" it. Here is my take on that, grief isn't about you. You cannot "fix" it, grief is not a problem, it is a process. The best thing you can do is be silent, hug me, and just let me weep. Don't tell me about this person your friend knew, who experienced the same "thing" and knows how I feel. Honestly it is not helpful, but it is hurtful!
Now this week I struggle just to breath, forget function. So I have decided two things:
1. I am not going to wear a mask all the time when I am hurting. I am hurting, so people will have to live with it. Grief is a realty that society needs to learn to accept, and embrace as a process to get through a dark valley; where the person grieving learns to process their struggles and to live their life again, without the ones they love.
2. I am going to seek out people who really are better able to understand my grief, so as to have the opportunity to unburden my heart and to adjust to my life as it will be from now on.
When I spoke to a friend about this today, she pointed me in the right direction. I will let you know how the counseling goes, once everything is set up and I have been able to attend a couple sessions. I am hopeful this will help me heal a little. Or in the very least, to function.
