Uterus Out of Order

I want to fling my uterus at the wall today!
Why should I endure raging hormones, a period & not fitting into my pants from bloating if the damn thing doesn't even work!?!
My poor husband has been enduring my monthly hormonal tirades wonderfully for the first year of marriage and then September 19th hit & wham...he also now gets to enjoy my bitter-frusterated-cursing-munchy-hormonal roller coaster known as infertility rants.

If we have never met in person or you are just unsure why I am kind of not in touch too often this past year and a half, this may be a bit of a shock to you. Especially if you don't know the whole story.
So let me start from the top... This past year and a half has been interesting to say the least. It has been filled with real highs and really, really low, lows. First we started off by planning our wedding, which was fun (and a bit stressful) Then we were married and it was such a joyous and beautiful occasion! Moved 3 times (1st place was not fancy, but awesome landlords; second was nice place, but not the funnest when landlords live above & the third is our house...which is such an amazing high). My friend passed away, when we just started mending our friendship. So that was a real low, especially since I never got to say goodbye. Lost my Grandparents, whom I wish I knew better (long story there) and that was also a real low point. Started my business & that was going well, then 2 MC's and it went downhill from there. Moved into our house & the stove didn't work or the hot water tank. Endured trying to fix it, and till then heating water for 5 hours on the now fixed stove for one bath. That was really stressful. Then September 19th happened, and my already in a roller coaster, mopey slightly depressed state worsened.
That day seemed normal and ended with me in emergency surgery, with the surgeons advice being to say goodbye to my husband as I might not make it. I was close to death & they were unsure what exactly happened. Turns out we were pregnant, it was ectopic, had burst, and I had been bleeding for about a week. Now I was in my last moments and all I could think was, "please just let me keep the baby and die trying to save it.", then looking at David and not thinking...just feeling the excruciating pain of drowning & the loss of yet another child.
To save my life, I am down one tube; I was not allowed the remains of my child and to top it all off my already slim chance of giving birth just dropped a large percentage... not to mention I had been carrying our baby and didn't even know it. I was mortified!
Now every day I think about our baby that we lost, and not a day goes by that I don't think, "what did I do wrong?" or "if only I had..." Those are my good days. Now 3 months have passed, and every period becomes it's own nightmare. I dread that time, because every day becomes a minute and I become an emotional wreck. I can't function, I barely eat, I rant about people that have babies who don't want them and the why's!
I don't know how I manage to get myself out of bed most days and my memory is crap (mostly from thinking about our baby all the time).
I am not sure what tomorrow holds, if we will be able to have a child of our own or how I will cope...
all I do know, is I am out of bed today.