Things I Hear Almost Daily & Want to Rip Out My Hair...

Being the age that I am, I get a lot of, "oh when are you guys going to try for a baby?" or "I thought you wanted kids right away?" or the one that really hurts is "we are going to have a kid in 10 monthes or so, hope you don't mind that were gonna be pregnant!?!"

Now, I do realize that some people say these things without knowing our circumstances and others are really genuinley trying to "be nice". Then there are those people you can tell are just insensitive, mean spirited or jealous (how the latter works, I am not sure. Still confused on that one).

These people are the same ones who don't stop there. The insensitive things they say, keep coming.
Here is a list of just a few of the insensitive things I have heard:

• "Oh, you couldn't possibly be infertile!"
• "Don't you think you're a little bit too young to be thinking you're infertile?"
• "Listen, I've had kids...so I know it will all work out for you. It just takes time."
• "You should pray more."
• "Maybe you're not spending enough time with God."
• "Well it is better to loose the baby before you held it. Dont ya think?"
• " I have kids, but I know how you fell. Pregnancy is scary!"
• "I miscarried once."
• "I've had cysts, and so I can imagine what multiple miscarriages feels like."
• "I would be willing to carry a child for you. Being pregnant is the best part. I love being pregnant. Feeling the baby inside of you, bonding, and seeing it on the ultrasound. I wouldn't mind at all!."    (This said right after I had shared how sad I was that I will not get to experience pregnancy).
• "My friend lost a baby, I know how you feel."
• "Oh, you're miscarrying. I know how you feel."                                                                               (This person was allowed to go home from work and grieve, while I was told a day off would risk my job. Miscarriage to some people is just another day I guess.)
• "I think you're being dramatic. Miscarriage isn't that bad."
• "If you havn't been diagnosed by your Doctor, then you couldn't possibly be infertile."
• "We could have had a lot of fun if you had children."                                                                   (Does this imply I wouldn't be without? I guess so!)

On top of all these things, I have lost friendships because of my openess about our experiences. I am being open about it, because I am hoping that through my experiences I can help someone else experiencing similar loss.
Having multiple miscarriages (as defined by Doctors as more then 5 in around a years time), infertility or sub-fertility (having complications becoming pregnant. Meaning it is possible without medical intervetion). All of these make a person feel isolated, alone, ostracised, and depressed. We hear hurtful things (some are really unintelligle, because I will not tell someone I care about not to have a baby. I don't hate children or pregnant woman, just because I am infertile.) Also, the way employers treat people going through this experience can really make you feel crummy. They are not understanding or sometimes even sensitive.
For example, since my ruptured ectopic in September, someone at work approached me and said, " you probably can't wait to get home to your baby."
"My baby?"
"Yeah, it probably makes this gloomy day not so gloomy knowing you'll be at home with your baby soon."
"Do you mean pet baby or a real flesh-child-baby?"
"Child baby."
"I don't have any children."
"Oh I am so sorry. People told me thats where you have been for these past months!"
The poor man walked away as fast as he could and as red in the face as he could be.
Office gossip can be so cruel, as I went home and bawled my eyes out that night.

It would be nice if people would just think before the words spill out. Maybe one day this will happen. I'm not counting on it, but it's nicer to hope it will.