BARREN

1. not reproducing: as

• a : incapable of producing offspring
• b : not yet or not recently pregnant
• c : habitually failing to fruit

2. not productive: as

• a : producing little or no vegetation : desolate <barren deserts>
• b : producing inferior crops <barren soil>
• c : unproductive of results or gain : fruitless barren

scheme>

3. devoid: , lacking —used with of <barren of excitement>

4. lacking interest or charm barren

routine>

5. lacking inspiration or ideas barren

mind>

It is amazing how perfectly this word describes everything I am right now; empty or void; in the womb, mind and soul. It is so hard to focus on even the most menial task, while I am still incapable of carrying a child. There is no pitter-patter, play dates or milestones to distract me...I just exist here, numb, to my core.

By the minute I dream about all my babies up in heaven, and I ask God to watch over them. I ask Him to whisper how much their Mommy loves them. How long will it be until I too can whisper in their ears? How long do I suffer this agony of being here physically, while my heart is somewhere distant, unreachable?

One cannot fathom the agony I endure, I truly walk this with God alone.

Not to say people cannot identify or share a similar story. It is just to say that no one person understands perfectly ones journey. It truly minimizes it, and without even having walked in their shoes.

No two people will have ever shared the exact journey. We all are unique and so is our walk.

So it is hard these days for me to understand being barren. God does not answer me, and although people mean well when they say they know, they don't. No one can offer me comfort, joy or healing. Nobody can foretell if God will provide me a miracle of immeasurable joy, swaddled in my arms. Although, in some odd way knowing I am not the only one to loose a child is comforting; to hear a person say they know how I feel, what I am going through or that they "know someone" with a similar story and they had a child... so all is fine, is not.

Each day all I can do is pray.

For Peace

Comfort

Wisdom

Patience

& Understanding.

For I do not know my days on this Earth and so far God is saying let go. I feel as though He has been trying to prepare me for being Barren since childhood, and I have been wrestling with it this long.

I'm tired.

I have many children waiting for me up in Heaven. If I cannot have children on Earth, then why am I here? What is Gods plan for me, when all I have desired is a child of my own?

I feel condemned. Heart trampled on the ground. Empty.