I saw a doll,and it reminded me of the toys I always played with as a child... it was Barbies & dolls all the way (always playing as though it was a family or I was the Mother).
My favorite doll, William, came everyhwere my Mother would let me bring him. I even went so far one year to beg Mom, "please create a Halloween costume for Will and me!". I was a Native American (yes that is what I told people - I was a politically correct 6 year old. lol) and I carried William in a papoose bag.
I had other dolls too, and I played with their hair and changed their diapers.
Obsessed with being a Mommy was what I was.Still am, I guess.
Yet here I am, overwhelmed and feeling defeated by a nightmare I cannot escape.
After all I always dreamed that I would get married, and start a family right away. I would feel my belly swell with child and the sounds of children laughing and feet pitter-pattering would fill my days. Nobody ever talked about infertility or misscarriages. I thought everybody could have children at their whim. When I met people who didn't have children, I just assumed they didn't like them. Heck I probably even treated them how I get treated now, ostracised.
So this year I can't even bear to put up a Christmas tree or even stockings.
It is all those advertisements about the joys of family and seeing toys everywhere that remind me of what Christmas is to us this year.
- It is another year barren.
- It is a year filled with dissappointments and confirmation that this will always be our life, until we can afford to adopt...if we ever can.
So be glad I didn't send you a card, cause it just might have read Bah Humbug! lol
